Online you will find many videos or articles offering advice on “how to deal with a narcissist.” They often include tips such as:
“Set clear boundaries.”
“Don’t let yourself be provoked — stay calm.”
“Be assertive and stand your ground.”
“Use I feel… statements to express your needs.”
These recommendations may be helpful — if the relationship is emotionally difficult but not dangerous or threatening. However, it is very important to understand that a partner with narcissistic traits is not automatically an abusive partner
Recognizing the difference between narcissism and violence is not just an academic distinction — it can have a real impact on a woman’s safety.
The main difference: narcissism versus abusive behaviour
What can narcissism look like?
A narcissistic person in a relationship may argue often, be defensive, react sharply or hurtfully; ignore your feelings, downplay your needs, and show little empathy or understanding and demand your attention or admiration, seek validation of their worth and uniqueness — and feel betrayed when they don’t get it.
Such behaviour may be hurtful or exhausting, but they do not automatically mean the relationship is violent.
What is an abusive relationship?
An abusive partner uses power and control to dominate, destabilize, and govern the woman in all areas of her life. Common features include creating and maintaining fear — so that the woman behaves as the violent partner wants; threats and intimidation — verbal, indirect (e.g. “I’ll take the children,” “I’ll destroy you”) or very direct threats to harm or kill her; isolation — from family, friends, or limiting contact with the outside world; control — of daily activities: who she meets or talks to, what she does, where she is, what she wears, what she reads, and various other forms of control such as financial control; physical violence — from pushing or pulling hair to severe attacks.
In a relationship where violence is present, the problem is not the partner’s personality but rather his behaviour, which is characterized by the need to gain and maintain total power and control over the woman and her life.
Why assertiveness can be dangerous in an abusive relationship
Many self-help books and videos present assertiveness as a path to greater self-respect and better treatment. In healthy relationships — or regular relationship conflicts — it can work. But if a woman lives with a partner who uses power and control, assertiveness or resisting him may lead to escalation of violence.
When an abusive partner senses he is losing power and control — for example when the woman starts expressing her opinions more openly, asks for more space, or wants to leave — he often reacts by escalating his abusive behaviour. This may include escalation of isolation and control, threats or intimidation, physical attacks or serious injuries and, in extreme cases, lethal violence.
This escalation is a very real risk — which is why it is not safe to use the same communication strategies with a violent partner that you might use with a narcissistic one.
Some studies show that narcissistic traits and intimate partner violence can be connected — but they are not the same. Strong narcissistic traits may be one factor associated with abusive and/or controlling behaviour, but that does not mean every person with narcissistic traits will automatically become an abusive partner.
How to recognize risk and protect yourself? Safety first!
Warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship that threatens a woman’s safety include if the woman feels fear — for example fear of “what will happen if I say something,” or fear that he might attack her or the children or that her partner is controlling her daily activities, trying to isolate her, or restricting her contact with other people.
These are some signals that the relationship may be abusive but assessing whether a relationship is abusive or simply dysfunctional and emotionally hurtful is complex. Therefore, if a woman thinks she is experiencing intimate partner violence from her partner or husband, she can call a counselling and/or intervention centre for women experiencing violence or a shelter. She can also contact the 24/7 free-of-charge National Helpline for Women at 0800 212 212, which offers crisis support as well as contacts for the nearest support service.
What to do (and what not to do)?
Safety is the priority – if there is a real risk of violence escalating, the priority is not sophisticated communication, but strategies to protect yourself and increase your safety.
The National Helpline for Women – will provide crisis support as well as information and contacts for local helplines for women experiencing violence, shelters, and counselling for women and intervention centres for victims of domestic violence.
Trusted people – if there is someone you trust — family, a friend, a colleague — stay in contact with them and talk about what you are experiencing.
Safety planning – if you are considering leaving the abusive partner, it is important to plan how to leave safely. Helplines or counselling centres specializing in support for women experiencing intimate partner violence can help you prepare such a safety plan.
Documentation – if possible and safe, record threats, messages, photos of injuries, or other evidence in a notebook or a device the violent partner cannot access — these can help later when taking steps to address the violence.
Professional help – through helplines, counselling and intervention centres for women experiencing violence and other victims of domestic violence, or shelters.
Something that helps clarify the difference
The organization The Hotline in the U.S. emphasizes that narcissism and violence are not the same — while narcissistic traits or behaviours may be selfish, unempathetic, or superficial, abusive behaviour is a repeated pattern of power and control over a partner.
It is equally important to highlight that when we label a man who is abusive toward his partner as a “narcissist,” we risk focusing on a psychological “diagnosis” or personality and not on his abusive behaviour, accountability for that behaviour, or the safety of women.
Summary
Not all narcissistic behaviour is abusive behaviour, though it can be very hurtful.
Advice such as “be more assertive” can be dangerous if violence is present in the relationship.
If a woman feels scared, controlled, or isolated, the most important issue is her safety.
If you are experiencing violence or believe you might be in an abusive relationship, seek help from organizations specializing in support for women experiencing intimate partner violence. They can help you understand your partner’s behaviour, increase your safety, and offer various forms of assistance and support.
Contacts for the nearest counselling or intervention centre or shelter in Slovakia are provided by the National Helpline for Women or here.
Activities of Fenestra Counselling and Intervention Centre in 2025 are supported by the Ministry of Justice of the Slovak Republic through the grant program for providing professional assistance to victims of crime, the Ministry of Labour, Social Affairs and Family of the Slovak Republic within the grant for promoting gender equality and equal opportunities, and the Košice Self-Governing Region.
Fenestra bears sole responsibility for the content of this article.
