Jealousy is an emotion that most people experience at some point. In relationships, it can appear when someone attractive or interesting is present in a partner’s environment, or when insecurities, fears, or doubts arise between partners. Jealousy on its own does not necessarily indicate a problematic or abusive relationship.
Jealousy in a healthy relationship
In a healthy relationship, people understand that jealousy often masks other feelings – insecurity, fear of loss, hurt, distrust, or the need for reassurance. They try to talk about these feelings. Although these conversations are often difficult and uncomfortable, and usually require more than one discussion, partners strive to find mutual understanding and seek ways to address crises, insecurities, or distrust together.
The foundation is open communication, mutual respect, and the willingness to listen to each other. Jealousy in a healthy relationship does not lead to restricting freedom, humiliating, or intimidating a partner.
In an abusive relationship, it is not jealousy but possessiveness
In abusive relationships, a partner’s behaviour is often explained as jealousy. In reality, it is not jealousy, but possessiveness. An abusive partner believes he has absolute rights over his partner and that she belongs to him. From this belief comes a demand for obedience and loyalty, which he enforces through pressure, manipulation, emotional blackmail, intimidation, or threats.
How possessiveness is manifested in women’s everyday lives
Women often report that an abusive partner forbids them to talk to or spend time with men, whether colleagues, former classmates, or friends. The partner constantly suspects her of having a relationship with someone, and whenever she comes home later from work or goes to the hairdresser, he claims it is certainly because of another man.
Confusing behaviour
Many women do not understand this behaviour because they feel they are doing nothing to provoke such reactions or suspicion.
To show their partner that they are faithful and to calm the situation at home, women may begin to restrict their own behaviour. They gradually limit contact or communication with men around them, show their partner their phone, messages, or chat and email communications.
Some give their partner access passwords to social networks or email – some voluntarily, believing that if the partner sees there is no reason to suspect them, he will calm down and everything will be fine. Others do so because the partner applies pressure.
In reality, however, possessive behaviour does not stop – it often intensifies over time.
Control over appearance and body
Many women report that they gradually began to use less make-up or perfume and stopped wearing clothing they liked because their partner told them that their appearance or clothing provokes men and is suggestive. Others describe how their partner repeatedly destroyed or threw away their cosmetics or clothing.
Some stop going to the gym, pilates, or yoga because their partner suspects that they want to look attractive for other men. This behaviour is not a sign of care but of control and restriction of freedom.
Humiliation, vulgarity, and emotional blackmail
Manipulation, emotional pressure, and intimidation are often accompanied by vulgar and humiliating statements, such as “Who do you f…k with?” or “Where were you f…king?” Women describe these remarks as extremely hurtful and humiliating.
They feel powerless because no matter what they do, the abusive partner’s reactions do not change and often escalate further.
Gradual loss of self
Possessiveness in an abusive relationship is not like jealousy in a healthy relationship. Under its pressure, a woman gradually loses herself – her social contacts, self-care, care of their health and appearance, and sense of identity. She cannot wear what she likes, act freely, or be herself.
Through enforcing obedience and loyalty and through possessive behaviour, an abusive partner gains control and power over the woman and her life.
Possessiveness as a threat to women’s life and health
Possessiveness can be extremely dangerous for women. Some abusive men engage in sexualised violence, which is part of enforcing obedience. They coerce sex or specific sexual acts, often through threats, intimidation, or physical violence. Some even strangle the woman during sex, which can be life-threatening in the context of an abusive relationship.
Other abusive men threaten to kill themselves, the woman, or even the children if she leaves or files for divorce. Some tell women: “If I don’t have you, no one will.” And they mean it.
According to research, high dominance, possessiveness, and extreme control exerted by an abusive man over his partner are among the most serious risk factors for severe violence or femicide.
Why leaving a possessive partner can be dangerous
In cases where a partner is extremely controlling, dominant, and possessive, even talking about separation or leaving the relationship can be very dangerous. When the abusive partner loses power and control, it can lead to an escalation of violence, serious injuries, or death.
Many media reports of femicides as a result of intimate partner violence indicate that the woman ended the relationship weeks or months before the murder or was planning to divorce. Neighbours or acquaintances often report that they never heard the couple argue and always saw them together, holding hands. Extreme control, possessiveness, and sexualised violence are not always visible from the outside.
In abusive relationships, a partner’s constant presence or holding hands may indicate high control and possessiveness, not love or a healthy relationship.
Why it is important to distinguish jealousy from possessiveness
It is crucial for women experiencing intimate partner violence, their loved ones, and institutions to understand the difference between jealousy in a healthy relationship and possessive, controlling behaviour in an abusive relationship. Recognizing this difference can be life-saving and critical for the safety and health of women and their children.
Activities of Fenestra Counselling and Intervention Centre in 2025 are supported by the Ministry of Justice of the Slovak Republic through the grant program for providing professional assistance to victims of crime, the Ministry of Labour, Social Affairs and Family of the Slovak Republic within the grant for promoting gender equality and equal opportunities, and the Košice Self-Governing Region.
Fenestra bears sole responsibility for the content of this article.
