One of the most common reactions to women experiencing intimate partner violence is the question: “Why doesn’t she leave?”
We also often hear statements such as:
“I would have left a long time ago.”
“I don’t understand why she doesn’t get a divorce.”
These reactions may seem logical – from the outside, the solution can appear simple. In reality, however, leaving an abusive relationship is not simple at all. Women have many real and serious reasons why they do not leave, or why they may return to an abusive partner repeatedly.
Fear of the Abusive Partner’s Reaction
One of the main reasons is fear.
Many abusive men tell their partners they will “destroy” them, that they will lose their children or their job, that they will “make them look crazy” and have them institutionalized. They threaten to harm the woman, the children, themselves, or people close to her. Some threaten to kill their partner or the children, or to commit suicide if she leaves.
These threats are not empty words. Especially men who are highly possessive and controlling may mean them seriously.
The period of leaving an abusive relationship – and the time shortly after – is one of the most dangerous. Femicides committed by partners unfortunately also occur in Slovakia. They often happen weeks or even months after a woman has left, or at the moment she announces that she wants to leave, divorce, or files for divorce.
This is why it can be dangerous when people advise a woman: “Just leave.”
Many women do leave abusive relationships – but it is crucial that they can do so safely.
One option is to contact helplines and organizations that provide specialized help and support to women experiencing intimate partner violence. Together, they can prepare a safety plan. The safety of women and their children must always come first.
Economic Dependence and Practical Barriers
Another common reason is concern about whether a woman can financially support herself and her children, where she would live, and whether she could manage on her own.
Economic abuse is often part of abusive behaviour. Many women do not have access to shared finances and/or do not control their own income. They may not be able to save money because the abusive partner manages and controls all financial resources.
Especially women with small children and limited family or social support may face very real barriers. Leaving requires housing, income, and childcare. Not every woman has these resources immediately available.
That is why it is essential that forms of help and support take these barriers into account and assist women in leaving safely and gradually rebuilding a life free from violence.
Feelings of Guilt and Shame
Many women say that it is not only fear or finances that make leaving difficult, but also feelings of guilt and shame.
Abusive partners often blame women for their own behaviour. They claim that if the woman had not “provoked” them, “made mistakes,” or “behaved differently,” the violence would not have happened.
This is not true.
The responsibility for violence always lies with the person who commits it.
However, feelings of guilt and shame are often reinforced by the surrounding environment. Women are still told that they “failed to keep the family together,” as if this were solely their responsibility. Such beliefs shift responsibility for the violence onto women and minimize the actions of the abusive partner.
He Is Not a Stranger
Leaving is also difficult because the abusive partner is not a stranger. He is often the closest person in her life, the father of her children, someone she loved or may still love.
The relationship usually did not begin with violence. In the beginning, it was romantic and full of hope. Abusive partners often alternate abusive behaviour with periods of calm and seemingly normal partnership. This pattern can be confusing and may sustain hope that “this time it will be different.”
Other Barriers
There are additional reasons that may prevent women from leaving: disability or health conditions, language barriers (for example, foreign women or women whose first language is not Slovak), insecure residence status, older age combined with poor health, lack of available help and support in their region, and others.
So Why Doesn’t She Leave?
The most common reasons include:
Fear for her life and the safety of her children.
The risk of escalation of violence during and after leaving.
Economic dependence and lack of housing or support.
Feelings of guilt, shame, and blame from the partner and the wider environment.
Other disadvantages – health-related, language, age-related, or social.
Every woman’s story is individual and unique. There is no single universal reason why women do not leave – there are many, and they are real. There is also no simple solution. Ending an abusive relationship is a process. The safety of women and their children must remain the top priority throughout.
If you or someone in your surroundings is experiencing intimate partner violence, please contact helplines and counselling and intervention centres for women experiencing violence and victims of domestic violence.
Activities of Fenestra Counselling and Intervention Centre in 2025 are supported by the Ministry of Justice of the Slovak Republic through the grant program for providing professional assistance to victims of crime, the Ministry of Labour, Social Affairs and Family of the Slovak Republic within the grant for promoting gender equality and equal opportunities, and the Košice Self-Governing Region.
Fenestra bears sole responsibility for the content of this article.
