In society, there is still a widespread belief that men who are violent toward their partners “lose control,” “cannot manage their emotions,” or act under stress or on impulse. This is not true.
Research, long-term experience from helping professions, and models of working with perpetrators all clearly show intimate partner violence against women is mostly deliberate, and purposeful, aimed at gaining power and control over the woman.
Abusive men decide when, where, and toward whom they will act violently. They choose the timing, location, and form of violence they will use. Most often, they do not behave violently toward friends, colleagues, or other family members, but only toward their partners—and often only when there are no witnesses present.
Women often describe that their violent partners intentionally strike them on parts of the body hidden under clothing or in ways that leave no visible marks. Many also report that before attacking, the partner removes rings, takes their phone, locks the front door, or takes the keys to prevent them from calling for help. Some women say that their partner only physically attacks them when the children are not home.
This is not the behaviour of someone who truly has a problem controlling their anger.
The myth of “provocation”
This myth about women and violence is often linked to another harmful belief: that women “provoke” men into violence. This is false and damaging: it shifts responsibility from the person who chooses to use violence onto the person who experiences it.
In abusive relationships, men often label ordinary behaviours as “provocation”, such as arriving home later from work, having a different opinion, visiting a friend, or criticizing him. Abusive men often call normal, everyday behaviour “provocation” while considering their own controlling or abusive behaviour normal. This attitude implicitly suggests that under certain circumstances a man has the “right” to act violently. However, no one has the right to abuse or harm other people.
Violence against women is controlled, not impulsive
Men’s abusive behaviour toward their partners and wives is, in most cases, deliberate, and controlled.
Blaming women has clear negative consequences: it increases stigma, discourages women from reporting violence, and can lead to secondary victimization by institutions or the community. It may also prevent institutions from providing women with the protection they need. Questions like “what did she do to provoke him?” are part of the problem. Effective responses to violence against women must focus on holding violent men accountable and protecting and supporting women and their children.
As adults, we have the ability to make choices—if someone provokes us or a relationship is unsafe, we can leave or seek help. There is no excuse for violence.
Summary:
Women do not in any way “cause” the violence they experience.
Labelling ordinary behaviour as “provocation” is simply a way for violent men to avoid responsibility.
Myths that blame women are widespread and create barriers for women seeking help. They can also prevent women from receiving effective protection.
As a society, we must stop blaming women, focus on the actions of perpetrators, and ensure safety and support for women and their children.
Activities of Fenestra Counselling and Intervention Centre in 2025 are supported by the Ministry of Justice of the Slovak Republic through the grant program for providing professional assistance to victims of crime, the Ministry of Labour, Social Affairs and Family of the Slovak Republic within the grant for promoting gender equality and equal opportunities, and the Košice Self-Governing Region.
Fenestra bears sole responsibility for the content of this article.
